My Way!: July 2006

From time immemorial, man has always sought out the best way to impress what he considered the “fairer sex”, in most cases ‘fairer’ implying female. Very often he would go out of his way, in his time trying everything from flowers to chocolates to poodles to Islands to dancing around trees to climbing them. ( Just ask Mr. Krrish)

But of course in his time like in most pursuits, man has degenerated. The pre-historic man was by far the most charming and committed. From Adam and his apple to Paris of Troy ( the one who while being a guest in Sparta assumed that his hosts wife was all part of the hospitality package being offered). who to impress and show his love for his new love, fought or atleast got people to fight one of the largest wars in the history of the world.

Circa 2006 then, how would today’s present day ‘metrosexual’ man compare with the Adam's, the Paris's and the Shah Jahan's of old.

Well, I’m afraid, quite miserably.

Firsty and most importantly, a prime constituent of effective courtship would have to be the ability of today’s youth to be refined, charismatic and articulate. Clark Gable in “Gone with the wind” for instance. That breed today however, is well and truly extinct.

Infact coursthip today, to begin with is not even referred to as courtship, for a person who succeeds in it is hailed as a “Player” or a “Playa” or however you want to pronounce it. So, quite obviously courtship in today’s era is akin to “Playing” a game.

Which game then are today's 'metro' men playing then?

This is when, it gets really interesting. Cause, another often heard term to quantify the degree of voyeuristic “conquest” the metro sexual man might have succeeded in is the “ Base system”. Their apparently are according to most base systems essentially 4 bases, while in some cases a 5^th one exists, that being of a “Home Run”. All this ofcourse, after the metro man has succeeded in courting his lady- the process of "Hitting".

Analysis of this new age vocabulary, obvious means that the frame or game of reference here is “Baseball”. Considering, we live in a land where the common man might know as many Baseball “players” as he knows members of the Rajya Sabha, the choice of the frame of reference is a little perplexing. Anyway, for whatever reason our “Metrosexual” man is playing Baseball and not any other sport.

Another commonly used phrase which follows, “Which base did you reach?” is the frequently used “ Did you score?”. Hang on a minute, what exactly is Mr. Metro sexual scoring. Anyway, this is often followed by, “ Oh you mean, duuuude! You got lucky!”. Hang on again, assuming that he is playing Baseball , he doesnt have to necessarily get “lucky” to score now does he?

Ok, anyway the man scored because he got lucky or the other way around, basically enabling him to move into the next stage. That being the potentially dizzying stage of “Going around”. Wait, before that we have the “ Proposal” stage.

“I propose you”. or better still "1 -4-3". Ok, he is done. We now move onto the “Going around” stage.

“The Going around” stage is particularly confusing, mainly because neither party here knows what they are going around. Yes, it has often bewildered me. the Pond, the tree, the zoo, each other? “The Going around” stage in yesteryear, would involve a dashing charismatic youth taking away the love of his life on horseback to a distant island, followed by him, his love and the horse all swimming in the clear blue sea. Compare that, with today’s techno savvy metro-sexual man, whose idea of romance would be sure to involve one of the following:

Burn CD with all romantic songs and gift to girl he is “hitting” on.
Engage in “Long Distance relationship” using new age innovations such as “Skype”.

Seriously, where did this term “Long Distance relationship” come from? Now, the metrosexual man can’t be put to blame for everything. The ultra chic, overtly pretentious new age , “hep” and most definitely “in” teen girl must also take some of the blame.

I recently heard a 18 and a few days college girl say with all seriousness, “Man, I really can’t handle a long distance relationship.” Hang on a minute here, what “relationship” is she talking about? And has this term, "Long distance relationship" evolved from the term " Long distance phone call" ?

Most so- called “relationships”, I have witnessed taking shape in front of me generally end with:

A bitching spree within a month
The chivalrous male ditching his current date for either :

His Rakhi sister
His girl friend’s best friend
Both

And then, the worst is when they finally stop “seeing each” other, cause “ No, we were too much like friends, we couldn’t be boy friend – girl friend”. Hang on a minute, aren’t “boyfriend-girlfriend” friends first, than anything else.

I really think its high time the teenage male and female realized, that the so called, or atleast most of the so called “relationships” they get into are nothing but immature outpourings of their own built up hormone levels. Its amazing, how the depth of their relationship is directly quantified by the proportion to which their hormones have been expended.

Sometimes however, the hormones, the male one in particular does come up against obstacles like, “ lets call all our friends”, “ Not tonight” and of course the Kollywood favourite, “ Lets just be friends”.

How should it gain refuge then? quite simple really, buy a PS2 and put on the game “The Playboy Mansion”. Your choice of playmates, a luxorious mansion, and most importantly, ever increasing charm all enabling you to make the transition from simple conversation to an intimate caress to completing depleting all your reserves of testosterone in the shower , in the swimming pool or on the pinball machine. Some famous geek once famously said, “The virtual world does have the potential to simplify every day life beyond belief.” . I completely agree.