Thursday, June 23, 2005

Do you have a good hand ?

Over the last 2 weeks, I have been taken on what I would call, A complete downhill ride into the frenetic confused world which is insurance. I have been trained to now, well judge your human life value, your risk appetite and in effect how every passing second is increasing the chances that you eventually do, yes kick it ! Yes, it is a morbid trade.

Your introduction to the world of insurance will in all likelihood be like this :

Distraught desperado : Hellu, Hellu. This is Suzuki Ram reddy

Unsuspecting victim : No No Thank you, I already have Suzuki car.

Dangerous desperado : Wat Sir, You mistake me, this is Suzuki Ram Reddy Pilli ( name not changed on request) calling on begalf of ICCI Prudential. May I speak to Mr Subramaniam Iyer pleease ?

Remorseful victim : I am sorry, he passed away 1 year back.

Pilli : Saury, Did he buy it, the insurance ?

Befuddled victim : How does it matter ?

Pilli : I suppose he did not baught the insurance , Like all the young fellows today, you also sould not make it the same mistake,. Only louving famely till they die and not till the famely dies. Wuurst mistake.

Suspected Victim : Worst mistake! Picking up the phone, I already have enough insurance, Pease leave me alone.

( ok in most cases the conversation would end here, but blogs are never about “most cases” , now are they)

Insightful Pilli : Vokay, I am supposing you louve you’re family, that is why you have taken it the insurance. But do you want to take it care of it only prasant family, or all future generations aalso.?!?!? Do you have the dreams ?

Hapless victim : I guess we all do.

Euphoric pilli : Then, Please now take a piece of paaper and write down vall…you are dreams, ambitions. You write sar, I go (puts ring finger up ) Kindly excuse sar, One bathroom !

Convinced Victim : Ok, Ok Mr. Pilli ,This sounds a lot like one of those MLM’s?

Deflated pilli : Actually, yit is not a yem el yem (MLM), It is a networking company, Brit World wide. We promote yedification , betterment of society. Only in this bisness men , you can become millionaire in vonly 5 years.

Awakening victim : Cut the crap, Im not wasting my hard earned money, on your trash. Screw off!

Purposeful pilli : Vookay , You basically shortage of funds. I have fantastic salution far you. You go for it personal loan, then sir?

Vengeful victim : Listen up you mother fu*&^%, I am going to take you to the cop station and make sure they beat you so badly, that you will have to sell yourself one of those fu&^%* policies.

Propostrous pilli : Daiii ! Waat men, You acting off too much ha ? You dounot know who you are talkin to menn…I am big fellow in my company, You ask about me men, You also. Go men. YOU P-U-C-K-E-R-R

Right, After going through all that you obviously want to know, How you can avoid being that unfortunate soul, who just got P-U-C-K-E-R-E-D.

Like many of my blog predecessors before me, I have also ventured into answering a simple F.A.Q which might help you actually make the most of the anticipated cold call ( Insurance lingo for call to unknown person, anticipating a cold response)


Alright, let’s start with a simple one. How do I avoid this lunatic ?

Kill him.

Looks like, I will most likely have to kill myself if he calls?

That’s a good idea. But it makes more sense if you buy one of his policies first, wait for a year and then kill yourself. Suicidal claims are entertained only after 1 year; you can actually make a lot of money that way.

Hmmm. What if I just fake my death?

And where are you going to get a dead body that looks like you, You smart ass!

Ok Ok, What if I say just go missing ? They won’t ask for my dead body then, now will they ?

Well, in order for that alternative to take effect you have to go into exile for a minimum of 7 years. Hiding next to Mr.Jackson in “Never never land” sounds like a good option. You should be relatively safe there.

What good is this stupid F.A.Q ? Isn’t there anyway I can actually gain from this mutton head calling me?

Well, You can join his MLM.

Funny, You sound a lot like him. What about some way I can gain from insurance ?

Yeah well, I can let you in on a trade secret.

Finally ! What is it ?

Well, If you are crossing the road on a crowded afternoon, And both a crowded P.T.C bus and a normal vehicle are charging towards you, It is much more profitable to jump in front of the P.T.C Bus. You will actually earn double, or at least your family will.

Are you trying to be funny man? cause if you are, you’re doing a pathetic job at it !

I was'nt sir, But if you want me to, I could. Allow me to entertain you briefly with a short tale . We have a total of 4 characters in our little story. Little Johnny , Papa Boney,Mama Moaney and Uncle Wanky.

Note: Anything sexually oriented here will be referred to as “A little bit of the ole for reasons of convenience.

One afternoon, Little Johnny was walking around his house, when he noticed his father Papa Boney indulding in” A little bit of the ole “ with his maid. So he asked him.

Little Johnny : Dad, What are you doing ?

Papa Boney : (Visibly flustered) Nothing much son. I am just playing some poker.

Little Johnny nodded his head and was visibly convinced.

Next Day

Little Johnny went to his Mom’s office, where he saw her as well indulging in “A little bit of the ole” with her Boss.

Little Johnny : Ma! Ma! What on earth are you doing ?

Mama Moaney : ( Totally befuddled) Well son, Am just playing some poker.

Johnny was now convinced. He had seen his dad play the same game the day before, and by now was learning how to play it himself.

Next Day

Little educated Johnny now ventured into his neighboring uncle’s house, where he was greeted with the baffling sight of his Uncle furiously indulging in “A little bit of the ole” with himself.

Little Johnny : What in God’s name are you doing, Uncle Wanky ?

Uncle Wanky : (Concentration totally disturbed) Well not much Son, Am just playing some poker.

Little Johnny : (Bewildered) Yes, But Where is your partner ?

Uncle Wanky : Well Son, Actually come to think of it, You don’t need a partner if you have a good Hand.

Well, that brings to an end our F.A.Q section, And do keep in mind what Uncle Wanky said, You can actually apply his philosophy to most facets of everyday life.


karan said...

lol!!!!! this Suzuki guy is not gonna be too pleased!
But on the other hand, if he visits this blog, he may just post "Do any of u visitors want insurance? no?want a job? no?wanna join amway?no? go men! you pucker!":p

Sisto said...

too funny! what about the part when pilli goes,

"oh im so sorry that he died, but what about you? do you need insurance?" ?

pr@$#@nt# said...

LOL, too funny man...but how can u make fun of ur good friend Pilli man??Someone needs to ensure that Mr.Suzuki reads this blog.

Mr.Suzuki???????? I wonder why??? But i guess it makes sense.
Enjoyed the blog tho, esp the part with "Write ur dreams in a paaaper man".

Sudhir said...

haha...How true, He's going to visit this space very soon...don't u worry.

Sudhir said...

Sisto, Somethin tells me yr talkin from experience.

Mr. Ravi wants to call u again...btw so that you can explain the exact nuances of Multi Level Marketing

Sudhir said...

Yeah...But u have experience of Mr. Rajiv as well, calling you...

Apparently , u were indisposed. He will call you at a later date.

Siddhu said...

Hilarious! Liked the FAQs best.

Btw, does Maruti have a tie-up with Suzuki?

Anonymous said...

very funny da...but i guess the question to be asked is not "do u have a gud hand?" but "is the hand enuf?" if u can answer tat question..i think one is content!


Sudhir said...

No, Don't think Maruti has a tie up with Suzuki.

But now that you mention it, the resemblance is uncanny.

Sudhir said...

One hand is certainly not enough dude.

What do you think, I have "The Playboy mansion" ps2 game for..

Hope u have downloaded it.

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