My Way!: May 2006

They are 2 events, in the calendar year I have always looked forward to with great anticipation. The first would be release of the Kingfisher Calendar with the photos of all the top Indian models in unbelievably unbelievable swimsuits, the second would have to be the country’s second favourite pastime, the Elections.

They are certain concepts, I however have found rather intriguing about the elections and I have hence decided to throw light upon them here in numerical order :

Concept 1 : The Election Yaatra

We often hear of Mr. L.K Advani's U.P yaatra, during which he visited each and every village on route. We have also heard of Mr. Laloo Prasad's yatra's where, it is common belief that he stole fodder from each and ever Cow shed in his path. There was also the story, most recently of certain members of the BJP running up a large (never paid for) bill at a Dhaba during one of their yaatra's. ( A bill which they eventually paid for thanks to the ever helpful NDTV).

The activities during the yaatra are most often even more baffling. All that seems to happen, is the politician masquerading through the street waiving his hand, with some blokes by the side of him screaming "Vote for! Vote for!". Honestly, is that all that is required to convince our intellectual villagers who they should be voting for? And how on earth does vote for! Vote for! give the villager any idea how effective that masquerader will be when elected.

Concept 2 : Announcement of Freebies

It is during the elections, that the generosity and magnamanity of our politicians truly comes to light.

With nothing short of Color TV sets , Gold, Computers all being put up for grabs. The most stomach rumbling announcement has been the pricing of Rice at Rs. 2 per Kg by Dr. Kalaignar, not to be outdone Periamma has agreed to add Pressure Cooker's to her list of freebies. " It is to Cook the rice , given by Kalaignar", she says.

Most families hence have one member voting for Kalaignar with the other voting for Periamma, hence assuring that they get to in effect, " Cook the rice and eat it".

I have a fundamental problem with this, once the voter goes into the polling booth, isnt who he votes for supposed to be a secret? How on earth can the pressure cooker donators or the Color TV Donators, then be sure that they voted for them. It is a touch bewildering...

Concept 3 : Declaration of Assets

This is generally quite a simple short procedure, unless ofcourse your name is Dr. J.J. (I'm not going to risk mentioning her whole name, come to think of it, how on earth did she become a Dr.??). You declare your assets which evolves to how much the politician believes he is ( legally) worth.

This exercise however can never be taken lightly, as it could lead to "life or death" consequences. For instance, our recently shot former Defence Minister Mr. Pramod Mahajan. His loving brother, apparently shot him dead cause Pramod apparently was a "2000 Crore" man. My only question here, is how on earth did Pramod Mahajan become a "2000 crore"man?? On a Cabinet minister's salary? Did he own an island off the baltic or something...

So, this exercise is done and the claimants generally fill up their assets in terms of how much they believe they are worth monetarily. Only monetary figures, which in turn means Dr. JJ's photographs of herself or Dr. Kalaignar's antique spectacles are not quite included in the calculation.

Concept 4 : Naming of Thalaivars

Actually this happens well before the elections, but then who really cares. Here, the party president figures out who he wants standing from which constituency. This allows the party to make use of party ministers, who might be popular in certain constituencies, akin to how Napoleon always stood from Corsica or how Stalin always did so from Moscow.

Sometimes parties get a little carried away and re-name their party members after victorious electoral leaders from their history books. How else, would you explain the existence of a Stalin and a Napoleon contesting in the constituencies of Chrompet and Pupudet respectively.

Concept 5 : Exit Polls

Further to the polling is the ingenious concept of the Exit poll. Here during the polling from the various polling booths, certain designated news channel journalists kidnap unsuspecting voters, and make them reveal their vote, all at gunpoint.

To be honest, I never quite understood the logistics of an exit poll. How do they do it ? Moreso, have you ever, I mean ever , heard of anybody ( Your father, mother, friend, friend's friend..you get the drift) who has ever, I mean ever, been approached during an exit poll exercise.

Quite often, exit polls do come up with some ingenious verdicts. This election for instance, it claimed that an overwhelming 10% wanted

as their next CM.

What has the world come to ?

Luckily, the only seat Captain won was one; that for himself.

Concept 6 : Meeting the father's of our Nation

Here we have it folks, the Winners! Bringing up the left we have the man from the Kremlin,our former Mayor, the aformentioned Russian , only followed by Mr. Alphonso who I definitely remember watching in a villainous role in one of those late night cable movies. Next we have a gentleman, who many believe is our forest brigand Veerapan's Uncle. He definitely shares his moustache.

Finally we have Mr. Nanmaran from Madurai East, who I must say has the most profound set of teeth I have seen in a long time.

Yes, these are our leaders. How many of them would you want to go out to Dinner with ? How many of them would you want to lend money to ? How many of them would you want to look like ? ( Exit poll - Most popular option - Mr.Nanmaran) Most importantly, How many of them would you want in control of a nation, and hence influencing the futures of all the citizens residing in it?

Let's just say that, some questions are best left unanswered.....

FOOT NOTE : CAAPTAIN IN "ACTION" !