Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Vote for! Vote for!

They are 2 events, in the calendar year I have always looked forward to with great anticipation. The first would be release of the Kingfisher Calendar with the photos of all the top Indian models in unbelievably unbelievable swimsuits, the second would have to be the country’s second favourite pastime, the Elections.

They are certain concepts, I however have found rather intriguing about the elections and I have hence decided to throw light upon them here in numerical order :

Concept 1 : The Election Yaatra

We often hear of Mr. L.K Advani's U.P yaatra, during which he visited each and every village on route. We have also heard of Mr. Laloo Prasad's yatra's where, it is common belief that he stole fodder from each and ever Cow shed in his path. There was also the story, most recently of certain members of the BJP running up a large (never paid for) bill at a Dhaba during one of their yaatra's. ( A bill which they eventually paid for thanks to the ever helpful NDTV).

The activities during the yaatra are most often even more baffling. All that seems to happen, is the politician masquerading through the street waiving his hand, with some blokes by the side of him screaming "Vote for! Vote for!". Honestly, is that all that is required to convince our intellectual villagers who they should be voting for? And how on earth does vote for! Vote for! give the villager any idea how effective that masquerader will be when elected.

Concept 2 : Announcement of Freebies

It is during the elections, that the generosity and magnamanity of our politicians truly comes to light.

With nothing short of Color TV sets , Gold, Computers all being put up for grabs. The most stomach rumbling announcement has been the pricing of Rice at Rs. 2 per Kg by Dr. Kalaignar, not to be outdone Periamma has agreed to add Pressure Cooker's to her list of freebies. " It is to Cook the rice , given by Kalaignar", she says.

Most families hence have one member voting for Kalaignar with the other voting for Periamma, hence assuring that they get to in effect, " Cook the rice and eat it".

I have a fundamental problem with this, once the voter goes into the polling booth, isnt who he votes for supposed to be a secret? How on earth can the pressure cooker donators or the Color TV Donators, then be sure that they voted for them. It is a touch bewildering...

Concept 3 : Declaration of Assets

This is generally quite a simple short procedure, unless ofcourse your name is Dr. J.J. (I'm not going to risk mentioning her whole name, come to think of it, how on earth did she become a Dr.??). You declare your assets which evolves to how much the politician believes he is ( legally) worth.

This exercise however can never be taken lightly, as it could lead to "life or death" consequences. For instance, our recently shot former Defence Minister Mr. Pramod Mahajan. His loving brother, apparently shot him dead cause Pramod apparently was a "2000 Crore" man. My only question here, is how on earth did Pramod Mahajan become a "2000 crore"man?? On a Cabinet minister's salary? Did he own an island off the baltic or something...

So, this exercise is done and the claimants generally fill up their assets in terms of how much they believe they are worth monetarily. Only monetary figures, which in turn means Dr. JJ's photographs of herself or Dr. Kalaignar's antique spectacles are not quite included in the calculation.

Concept 4 : Naming of Thalaivars

Actually this happens well before the elections, but then who really cares. Here, the party president figures out who he wants standing from which constituency. This allows the party to make use of party ministers, who might be popular in certain constituencies, akin to how Napoleon always stood from Corsica or how Stalin always did so from Moscow.

Sometimes parties get a little carried away and re-name their party members after victorious electoral leaders from their history books. How else, would you explain the existence of a Stalin and a Napoleon contesting in the constituencies of Chrompet and Pupudet respectively.

Concept 5 : Exit Polls

Further to the polling is the ingenious concept of the Exit poll. Here during the polling from the various polling booths, certain designated news channel journalists kidnap unsuspecting voters, and make them reveal their vote, all at gunpoint.

To be honest, I never quite understood the logistics of an exit poll. How do they do it ? Moreso, have you ever, I mean ever , heard of anybody ( Your father, mother, friend, friend's friend..you get the drift) who has ever, I mean ever, been approached during an exit poll exercise.

Quite often, exit polls do come up with some ingenious verdicts. This election for instance, it claimed that an overwhelming 10% wanted

as their next CM.

What has the world come to ?

Luckily, the only seat Captain won was one; that for himself.

Concept 6 : Meeting the father's of our Nation

Here we have it folks, the Winners! Bringing up the left we have the man from the Kremlin,our former Mayor, the aformentioned Russian , only followed by Mr. Alphonso who I definitely remember watching in a villainous role in one of those late night cable movies. Next we have a gentleman, who many believe is our forest brigand Veerapan's Uncle. He definitely shares his moustache.

Finally we have Mr. Nanmaran from Madurai East, who I must say has the most profound set of teeth I have seen in a long time.

Yes, these are our leaders. How many of them would you want to go out to Dinner with ? How many of them would you want to lend money to ? How many of them would you want to look like ? ( Exit poll - Most popular option - Mr.Nanmaran) Most importantly, How many of them would you want in control of a nation, and hence influencing the futures of all the citizens residing in it?

Let's just say that, some questions are best left unanswered.....


Goooooooo Caaaptain!

Forgive me. I could'nt help myself . :-)


Abhinav said...

Great job, Captain! That was absolutely hilarious, and you actually do make some valid points :O
i have one question - how can you name someone after a man who did 10 million people in? And how can a state of 11 million people vote him into power? Makes no fuckin' sense.
And boy, they look like a set of thugs, don't they?
and one answer - JJ was offered an honorary doctorate by madras university. usual ass kissing shit.

Da Rodent said...

Best of all., doctorate because of 'able administrative' capabilities...

MJ said...

Very Good Post!Hilarious at the same time..Thought Provoking!

Sudhir said...

Thank you, Sir Vice Captain.

The fact that they named someone, after a person who did 10 million people in is quite obvious.

They didnt know about it.

How many of these "thalaivars", have even a passing insight of Russian history anyway.

JJ, was offered a honorary doctorate...What about Kalaignar, he is a phd or somethin rite ?

Sudhir said...

Well, its better than doctorate because of able night crawling activities...Like Dr. Vijay Mallya isnt it..now.

Sudhir said...

Thank you, MJ.

Thought provokin...ha. Glad it was.

Abhinav said...

btw awesome pictures of captain's smooch scene.. where the hell did u dig that out from?

nishanth krushnen said...

great job captain you have made india proud that your r a mard.keep on kissssing.know no limits dude.i vote for u.

Siddhu said...

Oh god, I got into an apoplectic fit laughing at this post! Hil-fucking-arious, mate! :D

Ganesh Ranganathan said...

Looks like the Captain is enjoying himself....

And how come declaring freebies is not against the model code of conduct of the EC? I saw the smiling face of MK in a poster with the lines "TO get free color TV, vote for DMK"...funny isn't it...
And JJ was even more stupid doing a volte-face on the freebies issue. After criticizing the T.V scheme she announced a free PC. Jaya T.V ran a news item saying that the PC can be used both as a TV and a CD player....

p¡£®®£(X000nie) said...

hmm.... Gez i'm here 4 de first time....However, i dont like Politics neither VijayKanth ;-)

pr@$#@nt# said...

This post was hilarious man..Serving up some really humurous stuff offlate..but the elections have left me disappointed man..Captain got only 1 seat..sucks...this State is goin nowhere

Sudhir said...

Mr. Krushnen.

Thank you, Very much.

You are little confused though...Captain has'nt authored this post. Will let him know, when I meet him.


Sudhir said...


Captain's pictures well. Its unreal where Camera phones can take you in today's world.

Sudhir said...


The Kid.

Thank you. I'm sure yr mom, has interviewed Caaptain. Wonder what she makes of him. :-0

Sudhir said...

Hahaha. Ganesh. Good Observation.

The EC is thoroughly confused, there was an article somewhere saying, that declaration of freebies post elections is illegal as opposed to pre-elections.

That makes little sense to me...

Wonder what % of the freebies will be given out anyway....

Sudhir said...

@ p¡£®®£(X000nie)hmm....geez. Welcome to my blog 4 de first time....How can you not like Vijay Kanth ? Keep visitin..maybe there will be something you like next time.

Sudhir said...

@ Peelu

Mr. N, U should stand for elections. Its been a long time since Chennai has had a Tall, Dark, Handsome and Effulgent CM.

Not to mention a to be- IIM Grad.

Sameera said...

hello sudhir syal

hilarious post
loved it

esp the pics..not the last two tho..those were jus yuck

is meera syal related to you :p

good job will chk more of ur blog a lil ltr..

keep em coming

Sudhir said...

Hey Sameera,

Thanks. How can you not like the last 2 pics, Caaptain is gonna be very angry!

Too be quite honest, I thought they were quite gross as well. But then, I couldnt resist putting up the caption, "Captain in Action".

Meera Syal is a distant aunt...yes. She's quite amazing aint she. :-)

rini said...

great job with the blog, hilarious post! as for the much commented abt pics were er...emmm...no comments there actually.lol. keep blogging will come back for sure

Sudhir said...

Thank you Rini.

And when do you plan to show us, the rest of your face. :-)

Parvathi said...

next year i'm voting for T R..t rajendran..whether he's standin or not..GO TRRRRRR

Da Rodent said...

I think captain is 100 times better than TR..

Fuck., when did vijay mallya get a doctorate..

Ketaki said...

well well well sure was an interesting read.
nice pics. definitely a nice pick of pics :p

Kalainger is Appa, JJ is Amma and that obviously makes Cap'n the 'Mama'.
Periamma i believe is Sashikala!

Sudhir said...

Go TR.

Isnt TR, the happening sod, who acts, directs, produces and makes his son acts in his movies. Yup, Ive been dying to watch one of em. :0

Sudhir said...

Yup,Vijay Mallya got a doctorate...when the person awarding it to him was awarded a life time supply of "Kingfisher". Fair enough. Aint it. :-

Sudhir said...

Yup, Captain is the "Big Mamma".

Sasikala is Periamma....What about Mr. Vaiko?

Gulam Hasan said...

Hillarious post dude
LOL @ the kingfisher calender
ROTFL @ Laloo's yatra
i was laughin for the whole post
nice wrk dude
m a lil late but bttr late than neva rite?
keep bloggin

Sudhir said...

Hey Gulam,

Yup..Better late than never most definitely.

Wonder how you got to my blog though...

Thanks anyway :-)