~Page 3~

In 1981 , Someone intellectual in England came up with the ingenious idea of turning the Page 3 of “The Sun Newspaper “ into a full page pictorial of a Topless siren, We should have followed suit.

Instead, Welcome to Page 3 India , the latest tag line, for anything people find difficult to describe. I dunnno…its..its its “Page 3”

Yes, I’ve heard that one before. But what on earth is Page 3. Honestly, What’s all the fuss about. As always, Allow me to enlighten you.

Firstly to get into the Page 3 groove, you must first get the drift of the Page 3 Vocabulary

Like everything Page 3, It is very intricate, difficult to upkeep, with a lot of alternative words often used for the same word.

For instance, The basic word for every conversation is D-R-I-N-K, Now D-R-I-N-K 'S most obvious development is D-R-U-N-K, Now here it tends to get a little complicated, because we have many other words such as :

T-I-G-H-H-H-T

S-M-A-A-S-S-H-H-E-D

C-O-R-K-K-E-D

B-L-L-O-O-W-W-N

Which you would think are everyday words, but on closer inspection it turns out that all of them, all add up to the same thing, which is being intoxicated beyond recognition.

Now that you are D-R-U-U-N-K or C-O-R-K-K-E-E-D or whatever you want to call it, half the battle is won, because that is the No.1 Prerequisite for getting into Page 3.

Unless Of course, You are a “Sophisto”, What is a Sophisto now. You go for a party, and this Ostentatious Lady (Old, Young Sometimes you can never make out) comes up to you and starts the conversation with “ You Know, I am working for this N.G.O”, that my friend’s is a Sophisto. They prefer calling themselves socialites, People who party for a living and what do they do now, for a break or to get away from it all..Well go for another party of course, You have to unwind you know…

Now, A Sophisto, often assures herself, that the only reason why she is in this whole Page 3 mess, is obviously to raise money for the Somalia Victims,or the Japanese Train Crash Victims ( Tsunami is obviously passe) But if you do have a closer look, You will realize that N.G.O actually stands for “ No Gab Option”. Honestly, they have little else to talk about , so they talk about the deprived one’s , Firstly making them feel happy about themselves, Secondly How much skill do you actually need to work in a N.G.O. The decision making process, is quite simple, Damn, I don’t know what to do with my life, Simple! Join a NGO.

Alright, Now this Page 3 society is really seeming very alluring, and your dying to know how to join. Are’nt you? I thought of that, Thanks to Steven (Spielberg) and Vel (Vadivel) , I was transformed into a fly on the wall ( The things, I have to do for this stupid blog!) And this is what I heard :

Location: Deccan Chronicle Newspaper Headquarters

Scene: Recruitment for New Page 3 editor

Page 3 Wannabe: Hiii! (Tight Hug, with Kiss on both cheeks) Long time . How u been?

( Readers , Please Note, She has never met the editor)

Editor : Hi! Ha ( Enjoying the Hug..ummm Squeeze) Please have a seat.

Page 3 Wannabe : Thank you

Editor : If you would care to introduce yourself ?

Page 3 Wannabe : Well, I wear Prada, Party at Lush, Favourite cologne is Chanel (Red), favourite position is the 69’er, and I like my coffee black. That should take care of everything I guess.

Editor : Yes, But of course you forgot to mention your name?

Page 3 Wannabe : Whatevaaa ! Its on my resume…(click here to enlarge) , As ifff!!!

Editor : My humble apologies, Yes, Miss What was it? ...Ramona yes..

Ramoona : Yes 2 o’s please

Editor : Yes, Miss Ramoona, What would you consider your greatest achievement ?

Ramoona : Well I’d like to break it down into Long term achievements, and Short term Achievments.

Short Term: I have been to 9 nightclubs, in one night, Had 4 drinks at each place, and still made it home , Ok Not My home, but who cares…

Long Term : I went to Café Mocha 344 times last year , Breaking that is one of my long term goals this year.

Editor : Right, Apart from that what were you doing last year ?

Ramoona : Well, Actually I took a year off ! ( From what, One wonders). And worked on my applications ( Page 3 way of saying, Did nothing)

Editor : Right, What would you consider your greatest Asset?

Ramoona: No, Have’nt got my implants done,If that's what you were thinking,You Naughty boy! My greatest Asset , otherwise would actually be the Wall in my Beach house, You Know that during the Tsunami all my neighbour’s walls were completely demolished, But I built mine so strong , so strong, nothing happened!

Editor : Right, Did you build it yourself? Anyway Tell me , What is your daily schedule like , to make it simpler , What is your plan for today for instance?

Ramoona : Today is Saturday,What’s wrong with you? I have a heavy night ahead.I'm going to relax...

Editor : Great, What would be your dream profession say 15 years down the line

Ramoona : I want to open a night club, Hey Don’t steal my idea…! (Adjusts make up)

Editor : What sort of a person are you ? Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?

Ramoona : Actually, My Blood group is B+, This reflects on my positive attitude towards life!

Editor : Fantastic, We are now nearing the end of this interview ..Final question, A cliché’d one, I might add , What according to you is the difference , between sex and love?

Ramoona : Sex is what a really wealthy guy gets from me, and he loves it for sure. So actually, there isn’t too much of a difference.

Editor : Great, This interview has been such a pleasure. I would also like to inform you, that you fit into every criterion required for this job. Congratulations! You are now Chief Editor PAGE 3.

Ramooona : Lovely! (Tight squeeze!) (Smooch Smooch), Will call you in a bit then. Let’s do coffee or a movie or something, to talk it over …bye!!

Brother’s and Sister’s , People like Ramoona do exist, in fact If you look closely, you will find a little bit of her in every person you meet today. So, If you have'nt learnt from them here is a quick 5 step strategy to join the exalted Page 3 league..

1. Get rich!
2. Get a friend, who has gotten rich!
3. Get Drunk!
4. Act Drunk!
5. When someone talks to you about something intelligent, Just say Whatevaaa! And talk to them about your N.G.O

That should do it folks! You are now officially Page 3, Welcome to the world of ass lickers , hot asses and most prominently Dumb Asses. A party is a lot like, a cricket match here, You have to be in form (Buy a new outfit), Get trained (One week of grooming) , Get equipped (Dosh in Bank Account) .And maybe then , you could get interviewed by that short haired babe (who everyone tries to avoid) on NDTV.

But then, How many of you, Would really want to join something, that is about as productive as Ganguly has been in the last one year (Since we are on the cricket comparison tangent). Woody Allen once rightfully said, “At the end of the day, Life is generally measured, by how many new things you learn every day”. Can’t see myself learning too many in Page 3, reminds me of that dialogue from the movie with the same name ...” I don’t want Page 3, I’d much rather be on Crime”. I agree.