~ The Notice Period ~

(More illuminating insights continued...)

Now, assuming the offer letter you have in your hand is not the one from Onyx, you make the obvious decision of accepting the offer and very quickly, you find yourself with a new job a bigger pay and a bigger smile.

Well, not so quickly.

You still have to serve out something, called the notice period.

The beginning of your notice period starts off with something known as an exit interview.*

This is how, one usually answers his online exit interview.

Did you like your reporting manager ?

No

Is there anything, you would like to share with us about him ?

Yes, He’s a cross dresser

Did you find your experience at our company a rewarding and challenging one ?

Far from it

What is your opinion on the work ethic and working environment at our company ?

Please try and recruit prettier members of the opposite sex, and less cross dressers

Would you recommend, any of your friends to work with us ?

Never

* - All answers given above will be forwarded to your reporting manager and H.R Dept

Like most of those Reliance Ads, most people end up missing the *.

What follows is the Notice Period. The Notice period, is a Roman concept which evolved from the brothels of Venice. In the brothels, when one of the employees would want to quit, (for whatever reason) they would first have to wait for the brothel owner, to find a replacement. This was obviously done, to make sure that all the customers went home with a smile on their faces and most importantly so that the brother owner found a new employee who would satisfy him for a long time to come. ( Satisfy from a commercial point of view obviously).

It’s more or less, the same concept here as well. The only thing is from an employee’s point of view, why would he want to put in any effort at the current company, when he knows that he is going to quit in a week or 2 anyway. For instance, wouldn’t the employee at the brothel, want to save her resources for her next employer. (no pun intended).

Alright, maybe it calls for a more relevant example, if a person X was selling lets say wigs at company Y. And suddenly, a bevy of bald men came to the store. If he was in his right mind, wouldn’t he convince his customers (in this case the bald men) and make sure that they bought the wigs from him at his new store.

So in effect, the notice period is the most confusing time for an employee. Firstly, he has to cope with his colleagues numerous murmurs whenever he enters their line of sight. The murmurs are invariably followed by them, staring at him quizzically.

The really brave ones, come up to him and say, “Congratulations”.

The worst are those, who come up to you and say, “I just heard the news. Come, Please sit down; I want to have a chat with you.”

I fail to understand, why those people try to convince a person to stick on to his present company when he has chosen to move on. God forbid, a person gets convinced not to shift, and the following month slips up on his performance. The next review meeting would certainly include such pleasantaries like, " You should have quit!".

Finally, through the cold stares, the innumerable intellectual persuasions , not to mention the guile and deceit of the exit interview, you decided to move.

The espionage recruiter though, your old friend, she is still in touch, now only worried about when you would be joining your new disposition. This would in effect imply, when her recruiting company would receive the payment from your future employer.

You are hence invited to meet her boss, who full of conviction and effulgence tells you, “ Heartious Congratulations! You have got a fantastic job, tremendous exposure, exponential growth. A year down the line, you can leverage the brand name with ease.”

You are overjoyed. You made the right decision; there is nobody else out there, with a job as plum as yours.

A week or so later, you are still gloating over your new job, when your phone rings.

Its an unknown number. A soft whispering voice asks for you. surprise surprise, it’s your friendly espionage recruiter again , “ Are you in the Bank, is there anybody next to you?

You reply, “ No, Why?”

She continues, espionage like overtones of course, “ The other company called, they asked for you. They want to pay you double...”

Its a vicious cycle, isnt it...

~Changing Lanes~

I don’t know, how many of you have experienced the process of shifting jobs. I use the word process here, cause for those who haven’t it is a process, quite an exhausting one I might add.

Well firstly, you have to realize whether you really want to shift. What could the reasons be :

1. Better Pay
2. Better Pay
3. Better work atmosphere ( Better Chicks)

But, that’s not what you can say at your interview now, can you ?

So, you come up with illuminating reasons. Some of them being:

1. Looking for higher exponential learning across various verticals.
2. Looking to increase exposure, for personal enrichment.
3. Both together, with a straight face, making eye contact.
   

This could be difficult, if the interviewer is really ugly.

In most cases, the interviewer buys your reasoning. Or even, if he doesn’t forces himself to. (Come on, now if everyone stayed in their same jobs, for their lifetimes, the H.R guys wouldn’t have much of a job, now would they)

The actual process for job switching actually though, starts with you meeting up with a placement consultant. Now, a placement consultant is one, who is supposed to give you career advice, and is to help you with your next career move. So what, if all the career moves, they advice you to make are intrinsically related to the clients they are recruiting for.

To understand the psyche, of a placement consultant, is akin to understanding the psyche of the Gestapo , the German secret service.

Their normal, modus operandi of operation would be on the lines of this :

Recruiter : (In a deep whispering voice) Hello, May I speak to Mr.Suresh

Dedicated Employee : Mr.Suresh, stopped working here almost 3 months ago

Recruiter : May, I know who I’m speaking to ?

Dedicated Employee : This is Senior Manager, Ganesh.

(Two minutes later...Ring Ring)

Recruiter : Hello, May I speak to Senior Manager, Ganesh.

Confused Employee : Yeah, I just spoke to you.

Recruiter : Yes, Do you know that your former colleague Suresh is earning twice as much as you are , with perks including free Thai massages?

Astonished Employee : What, That son of a b^*$

Succesful Recruiter : Yes, this is my number. I will get you placed there, what’s more will make sure you get more intimate perks.

And that’s it, Ganesh no longer works with the same firm. The recruiter has just caused disarray at the firm, and in one smooth step has gotten further towards that promised Mauritian holiday for achieving her targets.

And the corporate world, still wonders why the rate of attrition is so high.

Though of course, between the sleuth like recruiter phone call and the final shift into your next firm, they are a number of other steps to be completed..

Firstly, and most importantly, there is the interview. How exactly, are you supposed to attend an interview for your future employer on your current employer’s time? The most obvious solution is to come up with some believable excuse, and escape from your office.

You enter your interview, and the first question you get.

How come you managed to get here, you don’t work on Tuesday afternoons?

Corny isn’t it. Then follows, the usual interview crap, where the interviewer tries his best to stretch the interview for atleast half an hour. To get a rough picture, you could click here.

This is finally ended, by them asking you for your current Boss’s reference.

And images of you sitting next to your current boss, and him getting a call, with a voice saying.

“Hello, this is to inform you that your team member plans to quit and leave you high and dry within a week. We would like to know, if he has abused you or anyone else in his stint at your company?”

You deftly dodge the Boss’s reference question, and a few days later, yippee! You have got an offer. Now, you would think that an offer letter, in one paper would tell you how much money will be put into your bank account at the end of the month, which would equate to what brand of whisky you would be drinking that evening.

But, its not that simple now is it. The term used here, is CTC or Cost to company, which basically equates to how much it is costing the company, for you to warm your fat ass in their corridors. The simple formula to calculate your End of month pay, or “Take home”as they call it, would be to divide the CTC by 2, knock of all 0’s at the end and then further divide by 12.

This rule, works well, unless lets say you’re working at Onyx, collecting and depositing garbage from Alaska to Nicargua. In that case factoring in your travel expenses, your CTC could be Rs.374237466436429374874937482, while your “Take home” will in all like likelihood be about Rs.20.

(More illuminating insights to continue...)