Thursday, February 02, 2006

~Changing Lanes~

I don’t know, how many of you have experienced the process of shifting jobs. I use the word process here, cause for those who haven’t it is a process, quite an exhausting one I might add.

Well firstly, you have to realize whether you really want to shift. What could the reasons be :

  1. Better Pay
  2. Better Pay
  3. Better work atmosphere ( Better Chicks)

But, that’s not what you can say at your interview now, can you ?

So, you come up with illuminating reasons. Some of them being:

  1. Looking for higher exponential learning across various verticals.
  2. Looking to increase exposure, for personal enrichment.
  3. Both together, with a straight face, making eye contact.

This could be difficult, if the interviewer is really ugly.

In most cases, the interviewer buys your reasoning. Or even, if he doesn’t forces himself to. (Come on, now if everyone stayed in their same jobs, for their lifetimes, the H.R guys wouldn’t have much of a job, now would they)

The actual process for job switching actually though, starts with you meeting up with a placement consultant. Now, a placement consultant is one, who is supposed to give you career advice, and is to help you with your next career move. So what, if all the career moves, they advice you to make are intrinsically related to the clients they are recruiting for.

To understand the psyche, of a placement consultant, is akin to understanding the psyche of the Gestapo , the German secret service.

Their normal, modus operandi of operation would be on the lines of this :

Recruiter : (In a deep whispering voice) Hello, May I speak to Mr.Suresh

Dedicated Employee : Mr.Suresh, stopped working here almost 3 months ago

Recruiter : May, I know who I’m speaking to ?

Dedicated Employee : This is Senior Manager, Ganesh.

(Two minutes later...Ring Ring)

Recruiter : Hello, May I speak to Senior Manager, Ganesh.

Confused Employee : Yeah, I just spoke to you.

Recruiter : Yes, Do you know that your former colleague Suresh is earning twice as much as you are , with perks including free Thai massages?

Astonished Employee : What, That son of a b^*$

Succesful Recruiter : Yes, this is my number. I will get you placed there, what’s more will make sure you get more intimate perks.

And that’s it, Ganesh no longer works with the same firm. The recruiter has just caused disarray at the firm, and in one smooth step has gotten further towards that promised Mauritian holiday for achieving her targets.

And the corporate world, still wonders why the rate of attrition is so high.

Though of course, between the sleuth like recruiter phone call and the final shift into your next firm, they are a number of other steps to be completed..

Firstly, and most importantly, there is the interview. How exactly, are you supposed to attend an interview for your future employer on your current employer’s time? The most obvious solution is to come up with some believable excuse, and escape from your office.

You enter your interview, and the first question you get.

How come you managed to get here, you don’t work on Tuesday afternoons?

Corny isn’t it. Then follows, the usual interview crap, where the interviewer tries his best to stretch the interview for atleast half an hour. To get a rough picture, you could click here.

This is finally ended, by them asking you for your current Boss’s reference.

And images of you sitting next to your current boss, and him getting a call, with a voice saying.

“Hello, this is to inform you that your team member plans to quit and leave you high and dry within a week. We would like to know, if he has abused you or anyone else in his stint at your company?”

You deftly dodge the Boss’s reference question, and a few days later, yippee! You have got an offer. Now, you would think that an offer letter, in one paper would tell you how much money will be put into your bank account at the end of the month, which would equate to what brand of whisky you would be drinking that evening.

But, its not that simple now is it. The term used here, is CTC or Cost to company, which basically equates to how much it is costing the company, for you to warm your fat ass in their corridors. The simple formula to calculate your End of month pay, or “Take home”as they call it, would be to divide the CTC by 2, knock of all 0’s at the end and then further divide by 12.

This rule, works well, unless lets say you’re working at Onyx, collecting and depositing garbage from Alaska to Nicargua. In that case factoring in your travel expenses, your CTC could be Rs.374237466436429374874937482, while your “Take home” will in all like likelihood be about Rs.20.

(More illuminating insights to continue...)


Tiger_Ved said...

Hey dude ...LOL! Nice one on the CTC and all man ...Hope you got some better chicks to wank and then spank and then thank....

pr@$#@nt# said...

Lol,that was very funny dude, congrats on the new job..Can u please tell that recruiter to call me up??Gettin jacked at work..

Ketaki said...

:D lol ... that was a fun read! congrats on ur new job!

the CTC part was my fav. u paint such a pretty picture :p

Sudhir said...

Thank You. Tiger.

Chicks to wank, then spank and then thank. Hmmmm.

Say, Where is Miss or should I say Mrs.Polarass. :-

Sudhir said...

#Include, Conio.h, IO.Sys.

void main (){
{ Thanks Dude, Will ask the recruiter to call you, Hopefully you wont be in a volcanic mood.}

Cheers ;

Sudhir said...

Yes, I do.

The Picture is far brighter for young upcoming CFA's, especially those who have a propensity for spotting hawt bottomless men.

Sisto said...

good one man ...

btw did u find the ipod? the last time you subtly asked someone about it, there was a volcanic explosion.

and please refrain from posting replies to comments as c programs, a certain warrier may come along and debug them.

btw i notice the huge change in ved.

Sudhir said...

No, I didnt find it.

Say, that pouch around yr waist seems to be buldging.And why are your hands in your pocket?

Indian Bachelor said...

interviews are a sham!

where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
What the Hell!?!! if i was THAT intelligent i wouldnt be sitting in this room answering your stupid questions!

Interviews are just a ploy by the HR to make others believes that they are actually working!

Siddhu said...

Actually, wouldn't have debugged it unless Sisto didn't try his petrol here.

No 'End' in C programs, only return 0; for normal exit, and non-zero values for abnormal termination.